Monday, August 31, 2015

7 Manly Things to Improve Your Life

Everybody needs to get manlier (with the exception of women and me, the manliest man in the world). So I decided to give you chumps 3 things to do to increase your masculinity and natural testosterone output. And since I am too manly to stick to 3, I came up with 7. Here they are and I do not exaggerate when I tell you that I have personally done everything on this list.

7. Tame, Ride, Kill and Eat A Rabid Grizzly Bear; Do Not Contract Rabies
For most of you pansies, the very thought of even looking a non-rabid grizzly bear in the face is enough to make you void your bowels and soil your courderoy skinny jeans (more on that later). But for the truly manly, this feat is your average Tuesday. Now of course the grizzly bear is obviously the minimal requirement here, but I am trying to be realistic. Most of you can't find a Kodiak bear to tame, ride, kill and eat, and if you could, you'd be too busy dying to do it.

So I put forth the humble rabid grizzly. Grizzly meat is nice and tough. And since the animal is pretty big, its hide makes for a nice winter coat (if you're a girl and can't stand the cold). Both Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin wore a grizzly skin jacket in The Edge. And they turned out fine (sorta).

But you need to take it. That basically means curing rabies. A feat only I have accomplished and due to my code of manliness cannot reveal the secret to. So go be clever. Cure rabies. Then saddled up (because I'm guessing you won't be masculine enough to go "bear" back).

Once you have driven your new mount to your campsite, choke him out with your "bear" hands and eat him. Raw. Use the bones for tent pegs or something.

6. Challenge the President of the United States of America to a Staring for Distance Contest; Win
Some of you think that Barack Hussein Obama is the current President of the United States. I understand. The Illuminati has fed you that lie for almost eight years now. But the Illuminati has been Illumi-naughty, because it isn't true. Barack Obama is not and never was president. The current president is a man named Bill Tom McBiceps. He is the second manliest man in the entire world (after myself of course).

If you are going to be manlier than you are now, you will need to track him down and challenge him to a match of fisticuffs. Once he beats you to a pulp, he will give you the opportunity to win back your dignity the old fashioned way - a staring for distance contest.

Once you stare as far as you can stare, compare distances and see whether you won. If you did, congratulations. You are slightly manlier. If you didn't, your life is a sham.

5. Build a Muscle Car - From Raw Materials
There are few things manlier than building a muscle car. And sadly, that is a dying art. If you are to prove your masculinity, you need to build one. The only true way of course is to do so using raw materials you mined from the earth using your "bear" hands (the ones you took from your mount).

The car needs to be an early 70s model, American made gas guzzler. It cannot get more than 3 MPG highway. Period.

The frame must be made from solid orichalcum and the outer body from iron. You can use bear pelt to furnish the inside. Any other vehicle is an insult to the male race. If you can't do this, go put on an apron and wash the dishes, because you're not fit to be called a man.

4. Shave Your Face; Immediately Regrow a Better, Fuller, Muskier Beard
We need to "face" the facts. The beard you have (assuming your not a woman) is crap. You probably spent at least a day or two growing it, and frankly, growing beards should never be an extended process. Real beards - the kind real men wear - are instantaneous, thick and musky. Of course, your natural musk needs to smell like freedom and general butt-kickery. If your beard doesn't grow back within twelve seconds of shaving, congratulations, you're a woman. Go buy yourself some chocolates and a box of tissues so you can cry about the newest Ryan Gosling movie or whatever the crap women do when they aren't busy rubbing my feet and making sandwiches.

3. Shout Your Own Name From the Top of a Mountain - In Braille
This one requires you to go to the top of a mountain. And I don't mean a pansy mountain like Everest or one of those other ones that the Illumi-naughty pretends are difficult to climb. I'm talking about Mount Murder or Mount Manly. Those are the two highest, steepest and manliest mountains on the planet. Each one is made of one solid piece of rock - very hard rock, like super hard, heavy metal even. And they are 1,000,000,000 miles high. I don't know what that is in Kilometers because I don't give a crap. We'll talk about kilometers in a minute.

Once you get to the top of both mountains, you need to start pounding the shag carpet you grew on your chest and yell your name in Braille. Don't know how? A real man would figure it out. Your alternative is wearing panty hose and lipstick while the real men do all the stuff on this awesome list.

2. Switch to American
Stop using the Metric System. No one uses it anymore. It was a fad, it's over and no real man would use it. I have legitimate reason for this claim too. France openly uses Metric. And stop putting the "r" before the "e" in Kilometre. 

Real men use the American system of everything. And don't call it the Imperial system, because screw that. It's American. Twelve inches in a foot. Three feet in a yard. Five thousand two hundred and eighty feet in a mile. A billion miles to the top of Mount Murder. No excuses. I don't ever want to hear the words millimeter, centimeter or any other meter come out of your mouth. French people say that. You don't want to be French do you?! They speak in Cursive.

And while we're on the subject of the second worst country on the face of the earth, French Toast, French Bread, French Kissing and French Rolls are now Freedom Toast, American Bread, German Kissing and pointless rolls respectively. Notice I didn't mention French braids. They can keep those. Real men don't braid their hair.

1. Stop Wearing Skinny Jeans and Grow a Pair (of real pants)
Skinny jeans communicate one thing: you have nothing to cover. And while a real man has nothing to hide, he does have something to cover. And skinny jeans are not big enough to get the job done. If you can wear skinny jeans it means you have girl legs. If you choose to wear skinny jeans, congratulations, I assume you'll be braiding your hair and wearing dresses while you do laundry and wait for the real men to get home from killing bears.

There are three other things on this list. Figure them out and do them. Otherwise, send back your man card. You won't be needing it. 

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