Tuesday, September 1, 2015

5 Disturbing Implications of Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses.
And all the king's men.
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

This little nursery rhyme is a classic. But it raises a few questions with disturbing implications. Let's review it line by line, examining everything we know.

1. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
First of all, who the frick names their kid "Humpty?" It's like you're setting the poor kid up for a life time of jokes and jeering from middle schoolers. Secondly, why is he on a wall? Who sits on walls? Was he a hipster?
He appears to be a hipster egg.

So some hipster egg decided to sit on a wall for some reason, presumably because that is what hipster eggs be doing yo. And where is this kingdom of anthropomorphic eggs?

2. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Okay. So this idiot got what was coming to him. But what made him fall? Was he pushed? Did he just have bad luck?

3. All the king's horses.
What kind of a king sends horses to provide medical attention to an egg?! Who was this king? How did he become the ruler of this kingdom? Was he the emperor who wore nothing in the famous tale about The Emperor's New Clothes? Did the horses have medical degrees?

4. And all the king's men.
Apparently the king also sent men. Why was the king so concerned with Humpty Dumpty? Who was this egg? Was he a diplomat? Was he the king's son?

5. Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
No shock here. Who the crap sends horses to fix broken eggs? Their hooves would just mash up the shell and the yolk would just smear all over the place.

So now that we have examined this tale, I think we can deduce the answer to the riddle.

An unfortunately named hipster egg climbed to the top of a very high wall and hurled himself off. Then, to avoid scandal, the king sent horses to put him back together. But since he was dead (and technically a baby), they could not. And since they were horses, they made a bigger mess. Then the king sent his men, who found the severely marred corpse of an unfortunately named, suicidal baby hipster egg. And since they were probably better at killing than healing (being soldiers and all) they failed to resurrect him. And the king, being a huge moron, lost his only sentient, anthropomorphic egg citizen. The end. 

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