Wednesday, September 2, 2015

9 Awesome Reasons I Should Be Your Hero

Everyone needs a role model - a regular hero to look up to. But the world is a dark place and great men and women are hard to find. But I have boldly and valiantly stepped up to be the hero you need. A great man to be revered! Here's why.

9. I'm Not Afraid of the Dark.
I don't feel that it's bragging if it's true, so you'll understand that I remain humble while telling you of my great virtues. Not the least of which being my inability to feel fear in the face of darkness.

I have literally no fear of the dark. I can sleep with no nightlight. I can sit in the dark without getting scared. I don't panic when the lights go out. I barely notice. I swear. I'm not afraid of the dark. I may curl up under the blanket, but it isn't because I am afraid of the dark. It's because I am wise and blankets protect you the various shadowy beasts that lurk in the dark. Which I am not afraid of.

8. I Do Not Wet The Bed.
I don't wet the bed. I don't. If anyone says I do, they're lying. I don't even have roommates to know if I wet the bed, so how would anyone even know of I did? Which I don't.

It's been a long time since I wet the bed. Like a really long time. Weeks. No. Years. Yeah. I was like twelve last time I wet the bed or something. So don't bother talking to people who say I do. They're liars. They probably tell people you eat boogers.

7. I Do Not Hold Grudges.
I am extremely forgiving. I have never held a grudge. Even against Fred. And he tried to eat me. Over and over. And I told him not to. But he did it anyway.

And I forgave him. And I don't care what he's doing now. He's a jerk. And I forgive him. I just think you shouldn't try to eat people. Which he did try to do. And he is a huge jerk. And I forgive him. Whatever. Don't talk to me about him.

6. I Color Inside the Lines.
I don't have any examples per se, but I promise I color inside the lines. Crayons, markers, colored pencils. You name it. I could easily prove it right now if I didn't have like a spine or whatever. Unfortunately, circumstances prevent me from showing you that I could very easily color inside the lines. I can. Ask Marcus. He's a heron. He knows.

5. I Can Write in Cursive.
I can sign my name to papers and write letters in cursive and all that stuff. I can even write cursive "T" and no one uses those. I can write write anything in cursive if I wanted to. I just don't see a need. What do you care anyway?

4. I Can Ride A Bicycle Without Training Wheels. Probably.
It's not that I don't know how, it's just that I haven't done it. Yet. But I know for a fact that I can. It's only a matter of balance or whatever, which I am basically great at. So I know for sure I can ride a bike.

Plus also, I have seen people do it and I learn by watching and stuff, so I know that I'd be really good at it. I could probably win a race against Lance Bass and Lance Armstrong. And that's pretty impressive, so I'm pretty much really good.

3. I Can Do A Push Up.
Need I say more? There are a whole lot of really famous people that have done a push-up. Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Neal, Stretch AND Lance Armstrong (I'm pretty sure they're triplets though, so it doesn't count). Well go ahead and put my name on that list too, because with minimal help, I too can do a push-up.

I can sense your awe. It's natural to be enamored with some so great as I. Let's continue.

2. I Can Type Using Only One Finger.
Most people need all their fingers and both thumbs to type, but I only need my pointer fingers. I never even needed practice too. It just came naturally. I am really good at typing also. I clocked myself at 15 words a minute using a program I got on floppy. I'm pretty much the best there is.

1. I Can Bench Press 37 Lbs.
I understand if you're skeptical. I was too when I first saw the bar. But I did it. And I was the only person in the whole gym lifting 37lbs. You can ask anybody. There wasn't literally anyone else benching that weight. So that's pretty impressive.

One guy said I could probably do more, but I am really humble or whatever so I didn't bother trying because I knew it would embarrass the other guys. I'm pretty great. 

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